Iceland: Vikings, Hot Dogs and Algae [DAY 2] - The Devouring

If you do not like the idea of eating cute, endangered and reasonably domesticated animals, I advise you to suspend judgment or stop reading now.

I'm serious.

Spoiler alert.

Glyn and I woke reasonably early today in time for the 'continential breakfast buffet'. If any of you have been on school trips to Mainland Europe, you may have an idea of what this actually means...

Imagine a cheap sandwich, like the really dodgy looking ones next to the Ginster's pastys and slices in a corner shop. Now separate it into its individual bits and lay them onto silver dishes. Do this 200 times. Congratulations! You have made a continental breakfast buffet! But, eating until full is always a nice feeling.

It was at this point we realised that the snowstorm had slowed enough to allow a foray outside. We had been left with completely frozen over pavements, about 3 feet of snow anywhere unpaved and gale force winds. Unperturbed, your writer and his intrepid parter Glyn stepped out into the street, ready to face the elements like warriors. People watched us leave with pity and wonder in their eyes: how could they possibly do this and survive? Were they FOOLS?

Like us, they were probably British townies unfamiliar with snowy climes. For someone who has never skied or climbed/walked across snowy mountains, I was surprised to find that I wasn't being blown out to sea, or my nose not turning black and crispy in the icy wind. An Icelandic proverb states: There is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.

No shit. I wore 943 layers of clothing and was as snug as a bug in a rug. More on the weather later.

Our plan for the day was to check out a museum in the morning and then get right on back to the hotel in time for a whale watching tour in the afternoon. Me and Glyn traversed the high street and came out next to Reykjavik Pond which, after the snow, had frozen over quite beautifully. I wanted to have a meander on it so I went down and had a wander (staying close to the edge) although I wasnt actually sure if I was walking on a pathway, or grass, or frozen water, as the snow was so deep. We moved quickly on. I had left my cameras SD card in my room so I didn't get any shots of this... for shame. Seeing a tiny circle of water and about 100 ducks all jostling for somewhere to get their little feet wet was very cute.

The walk to the museum proved longer than we expected and, needing to get back in the early afternoon in time for the whale watching, we had a perfunctory look around and played a little chess instead. I remember a woman at a reception on a phone who kept saying ‘Yo! Yo! Yo!’ in progressively passionate tones. I later learnt this meant ‘Yes’ in Icelandic. I wonder if she was having phone sex?

Horny receptionist in background

The whale watching itself wasnt a real success. There were no whales to be seen, and a few nights of partying in London before drinking my way to sleep the night before had left me incredibly tired. I greatly enjoyed the rising swell (up to 4m!) and, after standing on the deck without seeing anything for 90 minutes, I went below deck, sat down, and the rocking sensation sent me straight to sleep. I woke up towards the end of the trip and found almost everyone downstairs with me; it had started to blizzard, and only Glyn remained on deck like a Viking warrior, determined to catch sight of prey or solid land for him to raid and pillage. He came down covered in snow and reported: no whales. Fortunately for me, everyone got a ‘come back for free’ voucher based on the whale no-show and me and Glyn went on our way. We were feeling down, but we knew things were gonna get better.

Mountains in the background, Wally in the foreground. An awe-inspiring sight.

Couple o' old ships

It was time for the karmic roundabout to spin in our favour.

An hour later we found ourselves sitting in a very cosy little restaurant. The waitress was out-of-this-world beautiful, there was a biiiig American couple sitting behind us (think In Bruges, Colin Farrell at the bottom of the church tower) and three Korean friends sitting next to us. I remember the others because when I say cosy, I am not joking. If I turned my head slightly I could have joined a Korean conversation without much trouble. However, we had not come for the space. This was one-part curiosity, two-parts cultural experience.

And one-part revenge.

We had come for the whale steak.

Starter #1

Fermented Shark / kæstur hákarl

Served in a little porcelain jug alongside some crusty, soft bread, fermented shark is an Icelandic delicacy Glyn had been telling me about for some time. Make no mistake, this is rotting shark, shark that has been killed and then left to hang and ferment with some spices, exposed to the air and allowed to rot. To my surprise though, the meat had first been frozen and then diced into little cubes, so it honestly had the consistency of frozen berries, and with each bite a rush of amine flavour (the smell of rotting meat/fish) would storm out of your nose like a wasabi supernova. The colour was slightly orange but and the bread suited it perfectly, a texture combination made in heaven. As the shark thawed, the smell and the taste got even stronger. I wonder what it tastes like immediately after you take it down, room temperature? Must be so soft and rotten... oh man...

Starter #2

Smoked puffin breast with mustard sauce / Reyktur Lundi með sinnepssós

Yes. Delicious, red-pink strips of soft puffin breast, served on a plate with mustard and herbs. It was also cold, not warm, which surprised me. The texture was very game-y, reminding me a little of sashimi in that regard, a certain soft chewiness. The serving size was laughable though in my opinion (Then again, how big are puffin breasts?) but you definitely got a food feel for the puffin. The mustard accompaniment was excellent also.

Main course #1

Grilled Horse tenderloin with mushroom sauce / Grillsteikt Hrossalund með sveppumsósu

Oh buddy. This was definitely the best steak I have ever had, of any animal, whale/beef/lamb/pork included. Glyn ordered it rare and when it came it was nicely browned on the outside, nice and red on the in. Literally, this meat was so tender and so easy to cut and chew I can't even express it. It was served with thin-sliced wedges, vegetables and mushroom sauce. The texture was like the best beef but the flavour was not. My unlearned tongue would call it: horse flavour. Nothing to compare it to, but it was distinctive and I recommend it to everyone.

Main course #2

Whale pepper steak with pepper sauce / Hvalkjöts piparsteik með piparsósu

This is it - the realness. It wasn't particularly fatty but it was pretty red - keep in mind the mighty whale is a mammal! It was cut thin and tasted a little bloody but it was pretty damn tender and honestly, other than the fact it was whale, it just counted as a really nice, thinly cut steak. I guess the taste of intelligent meat, of something able to form complex relationships and communicate on deeper levels did add to the experience... but I might just be a sick puppy for thinking about it like that. I wouldn't eat it outside of a culture that didn't do it regularly themselves, thats for sure. I would eat the horse however. 

And that more or less concluded day 2 of Iceland. We watched Chelsea vs PSG in the CL later that night and it was an excellent game, PSG deservedly going through. We got into some of the pale ales and white ales available, although we were told the white ale is for girly-men only. I quite enjoyed it, actually....

Watched at the Lebowski Bar!

Stay tuned for day 3.

Iceland: Vikings, Hot Dogs and Algae [DAY 1]

I hope that title got your attention.

I am not suggesting that I ate algae-covered hot dogs served by Vikings but, they all played a part in an excellent little trip I just took with my good pal, Glyn.

Before the whale hunt. Glyn was more excited but that's because
he hasn't readMoby Dick.

Wally thought that looking down and closing his eyes would mean we couldn't
actually find him.

Our trip gave us its first indication of "We Plan To Disrupt Your Plan! Fuckers!" when our flight departure was four hours delayed. We were told it was due to strong winds in Iceland, given a £5 voucher for any of the fine establishments in the airport, and told to get on with it. We did, at Frankie and Benny's. Top marks to the waiter who very magnanimously said "Let's seat you by the window so you get the view!" and as we sat down, as we looked over miles of runways, cars and ventilation tubing... we laughed. Together. A nice moment.

Fast forward 7 hours. The descent into Reykjavik had begun, and we had been told that weather was 'Stormy and Snowy'. We later learned that this was an understatement. I am sure Canadians and Scandinavians will both scoff at me for saying this, but landing in a blizzard is fucking extreme! The plane was literally being buffeted in all directions by swirling whiteness, and it felt like we were slowing down way too quickly and dropping way too fast. People were holding onto their seats, crying out, but I was just thinking; "This is fucking awesome." Gotta embrace the riiiiide, dudes.

I was imagining what it would be like for the plane to hit the ground too fast, nose first, and have it snap into two pieces like a walking stick you lean on too hard. With my seat right at the tail end, I felt confident that if the plane folded in two about the middle and my seat was to come loose, I would probably be cushioned by the people and chairs that would pile up in front of me. It's funny where the brain goes in a (quasi)-crisis. Its sense of invulnerability is seldom tested and when it is, the denial and rationalisation that happens is fascinating. I don't think the landing was much worse than winter landings often are but it was a new experience for me. The overriding sensation was my letting-go-of-things-I-can't-control instinct; I can either die scared or die smiling, and the only difference is the tenderness of the meat, post-mortem.

But we landed. We went into taxi, we stopped, and everyone start getting ready to take cases down from the overheads. The lovely Icelandic girl (Brita) we were sitting next to, however, remarked; "We're nowhere near the terminal."

Hmm.

Then we were told that actually, that wind we felt shaking the plane from side to side was going at >100km/h. The snow we saw covering the airport was deep; very deep. All of the roads in and out of the airport were closed, and the airport was full of trapped people. We therefore had to sit our kiesters back down and wait. 

Armed with my camera and with cabin fever setting in, here are some of the things that happened.

By the time we got into the terminal (3 hours later) we needed to start drinking. We bought a six-pack of Viking Beer in the off-duty part of the airport and drank our way into the evening and all the way though the coach journey to our hotel. We met an Icelandic girl on this bus who lived in Brighton, and who insisted that we go out with her later that week in Reykjavik. I wasn't gonna complain, and her part in the story will be told later.....

Stay tuned for Day 2!

Ebola - Expect the worst, hope for the best

This has truly been one of the worst years I can remember. Refugee numbers are up past World War II levels (when will World War III start? Or isn't it simply being fought now by proxy?). Countries living in (stable) but repressive societies, having overthrown their leaders, have once again fallen into chaos and civil war.

And then we have Ebola.

We are going to see some serious things happen over the next few years - and this is the important thing to remember - it is going to take years and years. It isn't easy for Ebola Sufferer A to walk around and cough blood onto people, or for us to take his fluids into our bodies, but it will occasionally happen and it will happen in increasing numbers as time goes on - that's just maths.

This isn't going to be like the Swine Flu outbreak which came and went in a year or two. In America, it is said during that pandemic to have killed 12,000 of 274,000 hospitalised people. The total number of infected was estimated to be about 59,000,000. That's a death rate of 0.0002%.

This isn't going to be like SARS. 8100 people infected (globally) and 774 dead. That is an altogether more deadly sickness with a death rate of 10.5%, but poor spread.

Ebola has so far, according to WHO, been reported in 8,900 patients. 4,493 of them have died. That is just over 50%. These are underestimates. That over a time period of seven months - slow for an infectious virus - but the growth of new infections looks just like any other pandemic. This is not something that will go away in a year or two, it is going to bubble and creep into more and more countries.

Nigeria managed to contain an initial spread - a visibly sick Ebola sufferer on a plane ended up with 19 infected people but, after the government traced all of the passengers and all of whom they would be in contact with (around 18,500 people) it was contained. This is a great example of what a reasonably developed country can do when given enough time. We in the West are almost definitely able to handle new Ebola cases quicker than they come up and can be spread in the population, although that remains to be stringently tested and human error is always possible.

So what is there to be scared of?

In my opinion, two things. Panic and biological terrorism. 

When I say Ebola is going to wreak some havok on the world, it isn't necessarily because it's going to ravage every country. But human nature and ignorance and error are not to be underestimated. The panic will be the scariest. You don't need to remove yourself from major cities but be vigilant and careful during any times of Ebola-themed unrest in the next few months and years - the virus is not infectious enough by itself to endanger populations at large but do your best to learn about it and educate the people around you about the dangers, the chances, push it upon them until they truly don't hold irrational fears. That will be your best way of protecting yourself.

The thing I really fear is terrorism. I have only read examples of this in a few books - some conspiracy theories (water supply spikings) and some complete science-fictions (Stephen King novels often include some sort of deadly contagion) - but make no mistake, Ebola is a biological weapon. It is kept in vials under cases and in double-sealed labs in underground military bunkers around the world. Africa is not an environment that is containing this virus. If you were a suicide bomber in nearby Nigeria, a terrorist, and you see in the country next to yours something that can bring entire populations to its knees through panic, and fear, and death....

It is just a matter of time. If a terrorist becomes infected and then survives, he becomes immune to the virus. All he needs to do is take a a dead body, parts of a dead body, cases of infected blood, anything, which he can do with impunity, and get it into food supplies, water supplies, things people eat or drink. There are so many possibilities for intentional infection and although this is going to initially be an African problem, it is only a matter of time before it gets out. I don't know how we can safeguard against this threat, except for -

A vaccine. I pray to god that the research comes to fruition, that human ingenuity and luck can save us from nature, that Ebola sticks to its non-mutating nature and we get ahead of it before it destroys us. I hope it receives funding from every single philanthropic entity in the world until there is enough for EVERY SINGLE PERSON who needs it. I hope that humans can be united against a common threat and not allow this to be another reason to drive ourselves apart. I hope for the best, but I am expecting the worst. 

HK vs China - 1 country, 1.5 systems (and counting)

Protesters occupied the streets for over a week

Is it romance vs pragmatism? The umbrella protests have been dressed up and labelled in many ways. My friends have come out and said many different things supporting and opposing protesters and both argments have their merits.

First thing's first - Hong Kong's Chief Executive (national leader) position has never been decided by popular vote. Only the District Council (local leaders) are voted for by the people. These make up a council/committee of 1200 people; businessmen, clergymen, community leaders etc. They then nominate people to run for Chief Executive. They take a vote (between the 1200), and the winner gets the position. He then chooses his cabinet for himself.

(In summary, people choose the local leaders only and the local leaders then choose the national leader amongst themselves. The big leader then chooses the cabinet he wants.)

Well, now, the candidates who run for Chief Executive can run if they attain 100 nominating votes before the election. This is much less than what China is proposing to install in 2017. China agreed to let people vote directly for the Chief Executive in 2017 but has basically made it so any leader that stands for election has to gain over 600 nominating votes from the District Council instead of 100. The amount of people in the District Council who are pro-China is in the majority, so any nominee has to be be inherently pro-China to gain these 600 votes from the committee. People can spot the rat, and they are pised.

So Hong Kong. It was ruled by the British and they certainly didn't give much of a shit what the common people thought of them for a long time. It just so happens that HK has been a prosperous and thriving hub for a century and, much like Scotland, it became a case of "don't fix what isn't broken". Were we benevolent and rational in our governance? Perhaps we just kept a tighter lid on things and made enough people rich. There are umpteen examples of English colonialists slaughtering their subjects when the need arises, so let's not kid ourselves about what happens when subjects of the empire get a little big for their boots - torture and murder and historical revisionism abound. Regardless, the reality is that Hong Kong has gotten to where it is under non-democratic governance. Why would China do Hong Kong any worse or differently? Well....

....we are blessed with numerous examples of Chinese governance outside of its historical borders, and I cite a couple of current ones here: Tibet and Xinjiang. These are both Special Adminstrative Regions (SARs, like HK), have their own native languages, are distinctly not Han Chinese and struggle ceaselessly against local Chinese authorities. These authorities are backed by the army and the numbers of Han Chinese who are immigrating there, taking up the call to arms their masters are putting out for them. The result has been social chaos, a little like Israeli settlers on Palestinian land. Could this happen in Hong Kong?

Uighur ethnic unrest continues in Xinjiang

In a word, no. In a few words, not quite on the same scale. HK is much more of a breadbasket than are the aforementioned SAR's, with a much lower need for infrastructure and investment (because of size and current state of development). The people are already reasonably prosperous. China are themselves relentlessly urbanizing their country. They have created special free-trade zones inside Shanghai that are not restricted by government control like everywhere else, and China looks on Hong Kong as an example of success - THEIR success - and they have no reason to change it too much. So why are the protesters so pissed? 

They are scared. And with good reason. How does China treat its SARs?

Well, China has 55 capital crimes (those punishable by death). Included within is "treason", in China a vague and murky accusation that is often adjusted to fit the crime. Rioting is also punishable by death! It is easy to imagine the Chinese government rounding up the top few hundred umbrella protesters and shooting them all in the back of the head on whichever charge they want. They execute thousands of people a year, with no requirement to release information of who and how many. This doesn't even include the imprisoned, the displaced and the bullied. They have no reason to not incorporate this state of law upon HK, whether it is in a few years or in 2047 (China is officially allowed to claim HK as its own country in 2047) when all contracts, promises and bets are off.

This state of law co-exists alongside its business and industry sectors in China, and the people in HK who toe the line will probably have pretty normal lives. If you don't, well... and do you consider that might and lack of alternative is equal to legitimacy and fairness? Chinese people get on with their lives, not really aware of some of the things their government does. It's worth mentioning that the German people also didn't know where so many Jews were disappearing to...

Illham Tothi, moderate Uighur scholar. Life imprisonment
for separatism. Advocates of independence for Scotland
from the UK were granted a referendum, instead.

Where did the people of Hong Kong originate from? Obviously, China. Why, though, did many of them end up in Hong Kong? Almost always, running from whichever despot is running the mainland, escaping persecution and death. I read in this viral here that the people of HK look down on the Chinese, mostly because of nasty incidents with mainland tourists that get blown up in the media. Historically though, fear and mistrust of those who represent China runs deep in the makeup of the average Hong Kongese. No wonder they protest!

If I could give any advice - people should stop reducing China down to just a 'profitable economy', as if people's safety, security and rights are irrelevant. Since the West has basically enslaved more and more of the globe to money, the world's evolution into a fairer and more accountable state is slowing down. More and more people mistake Chinese economic progress and political clout as a sign that their system is an admirable and successful one. Do not lose yourselves in greed and moral compromise. In the West, the fight for money and power used to be a romantic adventure where all of the losers were kept out of sight in colonies, factories, prisons. Nowadays, most of the losers are kept hidden in rural China and other third world regions and the Western winners of yesterday are queuing up for a piece of this exploited workforce. Don't believe the hype, and don't support China blindly because they are doing good business. More important things than iPhones and fancy living are at stake.

Life, Love and LeBeouf

Whats up guys. It's been over a year since my last blog post and I consequently feel like my good friend Shia at the Berlin Film Festival - I truly am not famous anymore. I think I have dropped off a lot of radars in the last year, for various reasons, and I want to reverse this trend starting with THIS post. Since I returned from NZ, the ball of yarn that is my life has been evading me, slowly and steadily gathering pace, and I am but a stupid lion blundering after it. Two possibilities arise - is there a secondary agent pulling the ball along from the other side of the bushes, with a gun, leading me into the trap? Or is it rolling towards a precipice and I have only to blunder a little bit too far forward and - POP - over the edge? I hope it is the former, because a man with a gun is much easier to defeat than a tag team of height and gravity, as ex-homie Mufasa knows only too well.

As an aside, I recently watched the Lion King for the first time in over ten years. I am sure Simba is gay, and Nala has some tough times ahead of her.

As a post script to my aside, I watched the Lion King with someone quite special. We've only been seeing each other for a couple of months but there is a little bit of everything I want and enough of what I don't want but do need to make me think this is going to be spectacular. Strength don't leave me now.

I don't like talking about these things in public, normally, and one of the reasons I seldom publish anything anywhere is that it gets taken out of context, it gets used against me in various discussions and it gets misunderstood. Perhaps this is simply fear... my fear... do we reveal ourselves only to the people who accept our limited and reserved aspects or to the people who don't accept our wonderfully expressive sides? I am a pseudo-intellectual and a fraud and it's time for the world to know, instead of just my close circle of tolerant friends.

Living in Taipei and having the friends I do has shown me what it is like to express simply to express and responses, reactions be damned. I feel like I am beginning to accept society and others in a way I never have before, to move from places of safety to places of danger. Some of you may think this has always been a way for me, but I see people here who make me feel like a conservative bore. I will make, write and create more. You will see this, and you will think what you will. As Edwin Spangler once said, "Although I blame myself, it is you who will suffer".

A final quote - "Art is that thing having to do only with itself - the product of a successful attempt to make a work of art. Unfortunately, there are no examples of art, nor good reasons to think that it will ever exist (Everything that has been made has been made with a purpose, everything with an end that exists outside that thing, i.e., I want to sell this or I want this to make me famous and loved or I want this to make me whole or even worse I want this to make others whole. And yet we continue to write, paint, sculpt and compose. Is this foolish of us?"

If anyone tells me where this is from, 10 points.

Adios

PS - I study now, bitches. Chinese at National Taiwan University

It has been a while

I was considering doing a pseudonymed blog about my workplace and my life but that seemed too cowardly  for me. Plus, I don't think there was enough juicy bad stuff to elicit any interest. No secret basement sweatshop, no crazy bosses, no asshole colleagues... nothing. On one hand writing a blog feels like something I would do when I want to publicly vent or, on the other hand, when something interesting has happened. I don't think either applies today particularly, but here is some stuff for you.

On teaching - Still a great job. Our office hours have been extended by an hour each day (an hour earlier) for the summer holidays which is pretty shit considering we already have about 75% free time when we're at 'work'. However, we opened a singing class and another conversation class, both of which I need to use my laptop with, so I can bring my laptop in and use the internet to find some cool, useful, educational things. Mostly episodes of The Simpsons with Chinese subtitles and questions like 'Why does Bart get fat?' ("The Heartbroke Kid" S16E17) with follow ups of 'Should you eat lots of sweets? Would your Mummy let you? Is the American health care system discriminating young black men?"

The important stuff, basically

On performing - So I just saw some photos from our school performances back in May. They were amazingly fun, despite being a technical nightmare! Music, lights, curtains, positioning on the stage, losing costumes, you name it, we did it. I also had this one moment where one of my students stood me up on stage - I was waiting for what may have been 20 seconds by myself, but it could actually have been much much longer. Stupid Lillian! I hope I can see a video of it, they may have edited it out and consigned it to the recycle bin. I'm getting a bit better at guitar, but I keep pussying out of an open mic night at a pub I like. It would only be 3-5 songs and I can probably play many, many more than that, but I keep making excuses. I feel like because I'm by myself and there would be no one in particular I'm doing it for, I don't think it's that important. I also keep telling myself I can just do it next time, next time, next time... is a bad habit. I also think I'm pretty average, and can only sound great doing average music. It makes sense in my head...

On tutoring - I've had a disappointing last few weeks but the two months before that were great. I had some great students but summer vacation has arrived and no homework from Uni so... why bother having lessons? I completely concur, haha. I think there will be some more available to me, just the ones I chose have holidays or work placements. I've more or less finished my freeware website and I will import it to my new domain (www.jactutoring.com) posthaste! Right now it has an awesome photo of some guy with a surfboard with the words 'JAC Tutoring' over it. I might keep it and say it's how I looked before, in Australia. It would have meant a very, very big change though.

On Taiwan - I've been hearing people talking about hot it is in the UK right now. In your faces! We get 30+ 24 hours a day. Bitcheeeeees. Sleeping with the fan on is always nice, the AC sometimes not so nice, you can get some real dry lips from that. I just moved apartments and managed to get 70% of my deposit back by weaving a massive yarn about me getting married and my Taiwanese wife unwilling to accept such a small accommodation, or to wait for my contract to end before I move out. BULLETPROOF, BABY. My new place has a living room, a kitchen and excellent flatmates. We had an awesome house warming/welcome to summer! Party last week and I met some great people. On this front, I am very, very happy!

On dating, and girls in general - Well... watch this space. It's been pretty slim pickings. The last girl I liked and wanted to date more thought I was 花心 even though I just wanted to date her and didn't do anything bad on her and the rest has just been like expectation and then disappointment in horrible cycles. Sticking to it though! There has been a lot of interesting shit on social media about TW girls and foreign guys, a few links of which I will leave here for you to divulge.

MAJOR RAGE blog by a guy (or maybe two guys in my opinion, see how the style of writing and the message changes from rant to social science to FUCK THEM IN THEIR MONEY GRABBING ASSHOLES) can be found here
http://ck101.com/thread-2753581-1-1.html

A link to an article about a semi-famous Turkish guy who supposedly had sex with 500 women and tried to sexually assault one of them. I hate this whole 'automatically assume the girl is lying/the guy is bad' bullshit armchair justice. I think I naturally incline towards the man being a victim in my head before I filter it and realize this reaction is sexist and foolish. Have a look for yourself, I did laugh at his 'proof' of consensual sex coming from his 500+ experience.
http://www.chinesedefence.com/forums/taiwan-defence-affairs/5780-turkish-man-claims-have-slept-500-women-taiwan.html

And for even more lols, some perez hilton anti TW girls sounding butthurt m-fer
http://janet-hsieh-sucks.blogspot.tw/2011/06/janet-hsieh-publicizes-my-critique-on.html

Enjoy!

Until next time

JAPAN TUNNEL DISASTER LEADS TO WORLD CLAMOURING FOR TUNNEL BAN

Reuters, 03/12/2012

JAPANESE TUNNEL DISASTER: 9 PEOPLE DEAD - TRAFFIC FLOW DISRUPTED - FRANCE RESPOND

Pres. Hollande: "Ze French people cannot tolerate zese abominaballl car arteries of DEATH anymore"

Front line emergency services fighting to save people trapped in the rubble

While Japan reels from yet another disaster in their "decade of destruction", anti-tunnel lobbying groups are making their voices heard all around Europe.

Today marks the first time a head of state has recognised concerns regarding the issue and it has moved to assuage fears; President Hollande has vowed to cut tunnels by 79% by 2016. This has been seen as a great victory for health and safety concerns and Guillaume Lefitte of "Tunnels? What A Terror!" has released this statement (translated)
"Today is a great day for motorists: no longer will we feel like moles chased by shovels on our daily commutes and trips to la plage. I cannot speak for every person but us T.W.A.T's have warned of this likelihood for decades. Man is not supposed to delve and live under the earth; if we were, we would all have little tentacally feelers on our noses so we could get around without bumping into each other. We are fortunate that we in France have never known the scourge of mining but we hear from our English cousins that anyone going into one of these tunnels can expect dirt under fingernails for a reasonably long time - this moment is also a victory for them. We expect Monsuier Cameron to follow our brave leader's example in the coming days. We are also not ruling out this being a symptom of the upcoming Mayan apocalypse."

This is in keeping with the current "be scared shitless of what happens in Japan" philosophy being followed by most nations in the world. The most notable example of this would be the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Disaster (FDND) in March 2011. A country situated at the join of thousands of miles of tectonic plates fell victim to a tragic tsunami that caused untold destruction and desolation. International support was unanimous and although the UN security council tried to pass a resolution against tidal waves, China and the USA vetoed due to their bare-faced, vested interest in the complete annihilation of any economic competition. Russia took time out from importing chemical weapons to Syria and drinking to denounce this "pacific axis of evil". Iran have garnered acclaim by declaring a fatwa against earthquakes although insider sources claim this is because they haven't done a good enough job in destroying California.

The nuclear disaster precipitated in almost universal denouncement of Nuclear power as an energy source with people everywhere united in a slightly vague, baseless "told you so" attitude towards it all. We spoke to the chairman of the "Countries United: Nuclear is Trouble" about what he thinks should happen with nuclear power.
"Absolute, global abolition of every Nuclear Power station in the world. Look, man has been burning things for thousands of years and you expect us to believe that nuclear power is this 'natural subatomic event'? It's as natural as Heather Mills McCartney on Strictly Come Dancing - and as popular too. Let's just go back to good old coal and be done with it.

We got in touch with some other C.U.N.T's to gauge opinion. Dierdre Fallon,86 from Hartlepool, said this:
"My Uncle Charlie came down with the cancer in 1977. It was because of that bloody plant, it had just been built and I saw in them movies what happens when you go near nuclear power plants what with the extra arms and heads and what not. It's not bloody good enough. And the doctors tried to tell me it was the drinking and the smoking! Can never trust the government..."

Exposure to high levels of radiation is a surefire way to contract cancer and many live in constant fear of the deadly radiation they must be absorbing on a daily basis. One of the few scientific studies conducted on 9000 workers at a nuclear power plant showed no relationship between exposure levels and mortality but people are loth to trust governments, scientists and experts on these matters instead remaining convinced that three-eyed fish are swimming right under our noses - but are being covered up. Fukushima has currently claimed a total of 2 lives (caused by the tsunami impact) and has not to date precipitated in cancer in any of the people in the area. That an aging reactor with obsolete safeguards has to be hit with one of the most deadly earthquake/tsunami combos in history to kill 2 people... we're all probably not joining the dots properly.

To finish, some facts from someone who is not in fact a C.U.N.T:
"The ash released from a coal power plant contains more harmful radiation than any exposure from a nuclear power plant although the radiation exposure from living 'in the shadow' of a coal plant would add 0.5% to our annual radiation absorption from cosmic rays and other everyday sources"
"Much more harmful is the acid rain, smog and monoxide produced by burning fossil fuels, of which Nuclear power plants produce none"
"Chernobyl, the single greatest nuclear power plant event in history, has has a known deathtoll of around 50 people"
"Generic comparison between people killed by cancer due to overeating, smoking, drinking, not exercising, drugs, sun, air pollution could go here. But you get the point"

If these were not good enough reasons to grow a pair, the final reason we should all have nuclear powered televisions and watches:
"As more and more countries turn away from nuclear power, France are selling their own nuclear energy for great profit"

Enough said. A great article can be found here on Germanys decision to abolish Nuclear power and the resulting increase in crossaint's and truffles it will entail in