Hi Dad,
Your message is acknowledged. My reply is for you and everyone! Who likes to read something! To be honest if you spend 2 minutes reading this as opposed to 2 minutes leafing through someone taking 80 pictures of themselves at a club, well, I'm doing you a favour.
Yeah I got paid today! Finally!!! 6 days after schedule and 6 weeks after starting work here. I got paid for 4 weeks and it's just the first two (and the last week), before I had an official punching in system, that I will need to sort out next. I'm settling a bit more into my shoes with regards to my job, my manager is a tough bastard on me and others if we don't make the sales happen but it's ok, this last week I earned myself about £90/$135 in commission (about a days wages as extra!) and I'm getting better and better.
I'm not talking to my ex now, unfortunately. Being friends with her is too hard, we spent a while doing that/dating but things have just changed too much, I think how happy we were when we were together at uni as a perfect storm of circumstances and in a 'real' place it doesn't work, neither of us are finding happiness. The what ifs aren't preying on me like they used to. It does hurt though. Sometimes it's the little things that get you - for me it's that I don't really fly on her emotional radar anymore, that it's easier for her than me to be platonic. The way I fall back on these little paranoid struggles of power bothers me immensely. I want to apologise directly to a girl I was with during my time at uni and to whom I was guilty of the same insensitivity... and inconsistency. Some of you may know who I mean. It is a comfort that I feel like I deserve this. The feeling of shame and failure weighs not lightly either although that is getting better every day.
Getting this pay has taken a weight on my mind I didn't even know I had. I hope it is a long time before I live on two bowls of cereal a day again although it teaches me. All of my shorts and trousers don't fit me anymore, they fall down constantly! Thank you Yi-Han for lending me the money for rent. Asking made me feel this tall though hahahah *thumb and forefinger*.
Let's clear the debts, taste the medicine and move on.
EDIT - Lost my commission per hour bonus on my last day performance!! So got much less as a bonus
